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the consequences of coddling

The Consequences of Coddling

coddling

What’s happening above?  Why did it used to be the student’s fault for bringing home a poor grade?  Why today is it the teacher’s fault if the student brings home an F?  One way to understand this shift is to consider the idea that many children today are coddled by their parents.  Oxford Dictionaries defines coddle as “treat in an indulgent or overprotective way”.  So, the question is, what constitutes “indulgent” or “overprotective”? What are the consequences of coddling?

Parenting is tricky, we know this.  Often it is a challenging task to find the balance between pushing our children to realize their full potential, and providing them with a caring, nurturing environment so they can experience unconditional acceptance and love.  The ways parents raise their children is closely connected to the parent’s culturally-embedded goals for childrearing.  In the United States, goals of autonomy and independence are generally highly valued.

What are the Effects of Coddling?

As children develop from infants to preschoolers, to young children, and then adolescents, they continuously acquire and refine their abilities to meet life’s challenges.  Because of this, the amount of support or “protection” needed from parents also evolves.  If parents provide too much instrumental support by not allowing their children to fall, or avoiding challenging tasks all together, they are implicitly sending a message that their child is unable to handle difficulties.  While I’m certain that even these parents are well-intended, creating such an invalidating environment may be accomplishing the opposite of their intended goals (according to, Hardy Power and Jaedicke et al. (as cited in DeHart et al., 2004)).

In general, parenting characterized by warmth, support and a reasoning approach to discipline is consistently associated with such positive child characteristics as cooperativeness, effective coping, low levels of behavioral problems, strongly internalized norms and values, a sense of personal responsibility and high levels of moral reasoning. (p. 428)

As readers are already well aware, disappointments, frustrations, and discomforts in life cannot be avoided.  The trick when it comes to raising children is not to sidestep such experiences all together, but rather to help our young ones learn to manage these upsets effectively.  Remember, there is no one right way to support, encourage, and nurture your children.  My hope is that after reading this, you are armed with additional considerations to guard against coddling your little ones.

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Sources: DeHart, G. B., Sroufe, L.A., & Cooper, R.G. (2004). Child Development: Its nature and

course (5th ed., p 411-441). New York: McGraw-Hill

Cell Phones: When Should Your Child Get One?

Now that my oldest child is eleven, a “tween”, the subject of getting a cell phone is slowly creeping into conversations in our home. She insists that she needs a cell phone because she will be walking to junior high school next year. When does a child NEED a cell phone? Well, in my day… cell phones didn’t exist.girl with cell phone

Question: When does your child need a cell phone?

Answer: Your child needs a cell phone when you need your child to have a cell phone. Sorry, parents, teens, and tweens, there really isn’t a hard and fast rule for an age when a child should get a cell phone.

When You Need Your Child to Have a Cell Phone:

  1. Emergencies– Most parents say they allowed their child to have a cell phone so the child can contact the parents or other adults in case of an emergency, or vice versa.
  2. Teaching Responsibility– Allowing your child to get a cell phone teaches him to be responsible for his own belongings and to obey the limits you set (talk time, text usage, etc). If your child wants a cell phone before you are completely convinced, have him pay for the phone and service plan by earning the money. If he is too young to get a job, he can earn it through extra chores around the house, mowing neighbors’ lawns, shoveling driveways, baby-sitting, etc. This idea also works when your child wants the newest technology instead of your old phone.
  3. Tracking Your Child’s Whereabouts– I apologize to all my children’s friends (and my teen and tween clients) for the following: If you agree to get your child a cell phone, insist that your child check in with you while she is away from home. The rule should be: “If Mom or Dad calls, texts, or messages you, you must respond immediately, or your cell phone privileges may be revoked.” As a parent, remember to be respectful of your child’s activities and refrain from contacting your child when he cannot answer the phone. Obviously, if your child’s plans change, he can show he is being responsible by checking in and making sure the change of plans is okay with Mom or Dad.  Many phones also offer GPS tracking which lets you know where your child (or specifically, where your child’s phone) is at all times. This is important for keeping your child safe and also for knowing where your child is if you suspect your child is not being honest about where she spends her time.
  4. Constant Contact– To many teens, this falls under the “be careful what you wish for” category. If your child has a cell phone, you can contact her wherever she is. If you are running late and she is waiting to be picked up from a class or practice, you can let her know.
  5. Picking Up From Activities– Yes, this benefit goes for both parents and kids. If your child ends an activity earlier or later than expected, or if your child is going to be waiting at a different location than what you originally planned, your child can call, text, or message you about where to go.
  6. Internet Use– A cell phone with internet capability is much more cost-effective than buying another computer for the home. As kids get older, more and more of their homework relies on research done on the computer. So, if your child has a cell phone where he can look up information, it will free up your home computer for other uses. And, it can be used as a back-up computer if you have common power outages in your area.
  7. Entertainment– Of course, time limits on the cell phone should be set, but having a cell phone means that your child can entertain himself when you have to drag him on an errand with you. He can talk or text his friends, play games, and you have the benefit of avoiding the “I’m bored” discussion with your teen/tween.
  8. Keeping Up with the Joneses– Of course, this is not high on the parental list, but as parents, we all wanted something that our friends had, so we could “fit in”. Having a cell phone is a way for your child to fit in with and communicate with his friends who have them.
  9. Peace of Mind– If your child is home alone or if she has to walk to or from school, having a cell phone can give you and her peace of mind knowing you both are only a phone call, text, or message away.

Other Options Vs. Getting Your Child A Cell Phone:

As I write this, I am still on the fence about whether my daughter needs a cell phone at her age. If you are on the fence like I am, consider:

  1. A family cell phone– This works well when the oldest is not a teenager yet. If one child is going to be away from home and you want to have the benefits of 1-9 mentioned above, but don’t want to break the bank by getting several cell phones, consider having a shared cell phone. Many cell phone companies will offer an “add a phone” option with unlimited text and several hundred minutes of talk time for a nominal monthly fee.
  2. An iPod touch or other MP-3 player– Many kids already own these devices. Let’s face it, kids are not generally using cell phones to talk anyway. With these, your child can email you and you can receive messages immediately on your smart phone. You can also send your child emails or messages on their device. Some programs also offer free texting.

You Are An Expert Too

How did your family address the cell phone dilemma? Please comment below regarding the solutions you have found and how they worked or did not work with your family.

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